It's okay to say no (and better than saying maybe)
Most of us have gone to something we didn't want to, just to avoid letting someone down. A 2024 study suggests the person inviting us would have been fine.
Quorum is an app built around getting people to say yes. So it might seem strange for us to write a post defending "no". But a clear no is one of the most useful answers in any group plan. The answer that wrecks plans is "maybe".
We think a no hurts more than it does
Julian Givi and Colleen Kirk wanted to know why people accept invitations they don't want. In a small pilot, more than three-quarters (77%) of participants said they had accepted an invitation they would rather have declined, to avoid offending the person who asked.
They then ran five experiments with more than 2,000 participants, published in 2024 in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. People imagined either declining an invitation or being the one whose invitation got declined.
The pattern was consistent. People turning down an invitation expected the inviter to be much more upset, angry and disappointed than inviters actually were. They also expected inviters to be more reluctant to invite them again, and to focus on the rejection itself rather than the reasons for it. Inviters were more understanding on both counts.
Put simply: your friend asking you to the braai is mostly thinking about the braai. They'll be fine.
Why "maybe" is the real problem
A "no" gives the organiser information. They can count heads, invite someone else, or move the date. A "maybe" gives them nothing, and it hangs around. Five maybes and three yeses isn't a plan, it's a guess.
Maybes also feed the group chat problem: when nobody commits, everyone waits for someone else to.
How to say no well
- Say it early. The sooner you answer, the more useful the no is.
- Keep it short. Givi and Kirk's work suggests people don't need a long justification. "Can't make Saturday, have fun!" is enough.
- Offer something else if you mean it. "Can't do Saturday, but I'm free next Sunday" is a no and a new plan in one message.
How Quorum handles it
In Quorum, everyone votes yes or no on a plan. There's no maybe button, on purpose. Organisers can add a vote deadline, so undecided people get nudged to choose. Once enough people say yes, the plan is confirmed. And if you can't make it, a no just means the count is honest.
Saying no isn't flaking. Saying maybe and not showing up is.
Sources
- Givi, J., & Kirk, C. P. (2024). Saying no: The negative ramifications from invitation declines are less severe than we think. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 126(6), 1103–1115. Summary from ScienceAlert.